Day sixteen. Bernie is still chewing. The gum is still holding on by a miracle of science and sheer force of will. But today, the drama in the coffee shop took an unexpected turn.
I should probably mention something important: this coffee shop? It’s on a cruise ship. That’s right. We’ve been adrift on the open sea this whole time, and somehow, it took me over two weeks to bring it up. Maybe I was too focused on the gum saga. Maybe I was distracted by the espresso machine that sounds like it’s summoning demons every time it steams milk. Either way, we’re floating, and the weirdness is increasing.
Now, let’s talk about Aly, the barista. Aly is… suspiciously nice. Like, too nice. She smiles too much, never seems annoyed when someone orders a complicated drink, and once offered Lauren a free refill without even sighing. No one trusts it. Lauren, Bernie, and I have exchanged glances about this multiple times. Nobody is that pleasant. Not in a confined space. Not while serving people who demand oat milk and whisper “extra hot” like it’s a government secret.
Enter Sweet Sweet Rosie, our whistleblowing, truth-seeking canine companion. This morning, she pulled Susan aside, her fluffy tail wagging in alarm. “I saw Aly,” she whispered dramatically, “passing a package to Leslie.”
Susan raised an eyebrow. “Leslie?”
Rosie nodded gravely. “It looked like… a mushroom.”
Susan gasped. “A mushroom?”
“Yes,” Rosie confirmed. “And I know what you’re thinking: maybe she just enjoys fungi. But no, Susan. This wasn’t just any mushroom. It was a suspicious mushroom.”
It didn’t take long for them to put the pieces together. Aly and Leslie. Both suspiciously nice. Both always conveniently around when gum-related incidents occur. What if… they were witches? What if they were working together to sabotage Bernie’s gum through some kind of sinister cruise ship magic?
Lauren, walking past at just the right moment, overheard the conversation and immediately clutched her chest. “Oh my godduh,” she muttered, her face frozen in an expression of pure scandal.
Now, the coffee shop is divided. On one side, we have Bernie, blissfully unaware of the rising paranoia around him, just happily chewing away. On the other, we have Susan and Rosie, now deep into conspiracy mode, possibly planning an anti-witch task force. And in the middle, we have Lauren, sipping her Liquid Death and relishing the drama.
Will we uncover Aly and Leslie’s true intentions? Are they just friendly employees or actual sorceresses plotting against the gum? And, most importantly, how has Bernie not just given up and swallowed that thing yet?
More updates to come from the high seas of caffeinated chaos.
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