Day twenty-two. Bernie, the gum-chewing web developer, is still chewing the same piece of gum. And today, he has drawn a line in the sand.
“I’m not giving it up,” Bernie declares, clenching his jaw. “Not now, not ever. This gum and I have been through too much together.”
Lauren groans, dramatically flopping into a chair. “Bernie, bestie, respectfully? You are, like, fully unhinged. At this point, your gum is just a microplastic nightmare. It’s giving radioactive. You need to let it go.”
Aly nods way too enthusiastically. “It’s probably developed sentience by now! You could be chewing life!”
Patty, the ship’s master chef, slams a ladle onto the counter. “I have poured my soul into this ship! I have sacrificed precious kitchen time to make gum glue, and what did you people do? You let it slip into the sea! If I hear one more word about ‘the sacred gum,’ I swear to all things edible, I will personally yeet Bernie overboard.”
Lauren, undeterred, pulls out a small baggie and grins. “Okay, but hear me out—what if we just, like, replaced it with something better? I have these all-natural, artisanal Asian bacon gumballs. They’re, like, sustainably harvested or whatever.”
Silence.
Then, a collective groan.
Leslie cackles. “Lauren, that is quite literally the worst idea I have ever heard. Bacon gumballs? What is wrong with you?”
Captain Sal sighs. “If this ship goes down, it won’t be because of the leak. It’ll be because we turned on each other over a chewing gum crisis.”
And just when things seem at their most hopeless, the coffee shop door swings open.
Elaine enters. The woman who normally only removes things—problems, obstacles, unwanted people—steps into the fray. The room hushes. Normally, Elaine works remotely and is barely seen in person, which makes her sudden appearance even more shocking.
Elaine clears her throat. “Listen, I know a guy I used to work with before. He has a helicopter and a giant roll of duct tape.”
The group stares at her in stunned silence.
“Why,” Bernie finally manages, “do you know someone with those things?”
Elaine shrugs. “I have a past.”
Lauren gasps. “Okay, slay queen! Mystery woman era.”
Rosie barks excitedly. “Finally! Some competence!”
Captain Sal perks up. “If we can get that duct tape, we might actually be able to patch the hull.”
Leslie shakes her head in disbelief. “I cannot believe we are being saved by a woman who just materialized out of nowhere with a helicopter guy.”
Susan, the ever-exasperated coffee shop manager, throws her hands up. “So let me get this straight. We’ve got a web developer clinging to a piece of gum like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic, a chef threatening violence over lost glue, and now this—some mystery woman summoning a helicopter out of thin air like we’re in a bad action movie?” She crosses her arms. “You know what? Fine. Sure. Why not. At this point, I’ll believe anything.”
Bernie chews his gum, deep in thought. “Fine. But no one touches my gum.”
Stay tuned.
Leave a Reply